Running and Dating

It might seem out of place for me to write about dating and relationships on a running blog. Well, one, I can write whatever the heck I please. Maybe my next post will be about Dungeons and Dragons! Not like you have to click on it. Back in the 80's people thought folks who played D&D were Satan-worshipers. I certainly wouldn't want to tarnish your soul.

Running (and exercise in general) though is a passion for me. A mission. It's something that matters to me that I spend a lot of energy on. And that's an attractive quality. Folks are attracted to passionate people. Well most folks. Some may say, "you just run all of the time! You never spend any time with meeeee." But that's useful too. Meet people who share your passion. Avoid those who would resent you for it.

Nice guys often complain that they can't meet women. They shower them with compliments and attention, and then wonder why it's not reciprocated. Unfortunately, this leads some guys to blame women, accusing them of being damaged somehow. They think that if they're nice to women and then get shot down, there's something wrong with the women.

That's just the guy protecting his own ego. Getting shot down by the love of your life is painful, and he doesn't want to admit that he's using the wrong approach.

Definitely not the right approach.

There's nothing wrong with being nice. I'm nice. I like being nice. It makes my friends feel good which makes me feel good. The problem with a lot of "nice" guys is that it's not genuine. And that's what women pick up on. If a guy she's never met suddenly starts telling her that she's beautiful and amazing and showers her with gifts and attention, she's going to be understandably suspicious. He doesn't even know her! How does he know she's so great?

It's because he wants to get laid.

This is where the guy shouts, "no I don't! I just wanted to be friends!" That's a lie. A big fat lie. When you're hanging out with a friend, watching football and eating ice cream, do you say to him, "dude, you're so freakin' perfect. Can I take you to dinner?" He'd think you just had a stroke.

The problem isn't with being nice. The problem is that he doesn't have anything else to offer, other than being nice. Women like guys who have a goal in life, who know what they want out of life. A guy who's passionate and is expressive in his passion. And guys who are busy pursuing their passions are too busy to bathe a stranger in attention and dinner dates. But if in the midst of pursuing his dreams he meets a woman who shares in that drive.... Well that's a recipe for awesomeness!

On the other end of the spectrum are a$$holes. These guys are mega jerks but always seem to get all the ladies. And of course this upsets "nice" guys even more. And sometimes feeds into their belief that women are "broken" somehow. Which isn't fair.

Jerks have a pretty hit-or-miss strategy...

It's not that jerks are so great. It's just that they accidentally act like high status dudes. Women think, "well if this guys is so aloof, he must have something big going on!" Of course by the time she finds out the truth, it's often too late. Women are programmed to be attracted to high status guys. A$$holes can fake it for a while. Whereas nice guys just say flat out, "the only thing I have to offer is tons of free validation."

I'm not knocking these guys. I started out as a too nice guy who couldn't meet anyone and resented women. And then I turned myself into the polar opposite and became a massive doucheb@g. Which "worked", but I ended up hurting people and eventually ended up hating myself as a result, and I still punish myself to this day for it.

Finally, I decided to pursue the things that mattered to me. To find out what my passions were. And to make myself a better person. I realized that I was using a bunch of stupid gimmicks to meet women, but that I didn't like who I was and what I was doing. The interesting side of effect of improving myself is that I met higher quality people. People who are positive and driven and live life with zeal.

I don't exercise as a tactic to meet women. I mean, yeah, I like looking fit. But frankly, I met more women as a chubby alcoholic. So that's not it. I do it because it gives me direction and purpose. It feels like I'm taking control of my own path and propelling myself in a positive direction. And even though I may meet fewer people, the ones I do meet are, just, super cool. And we have a lot in common right from the get go!

Maybe not what I mean about common interests...

I'm mostly targeting guys in this post, but the same things apply to women. In the same way that some guys give women free attention, or act like jacka$$es and insult them, so too do some women get by on looks or drama or whatever. Finding something you love that excites you is just as important for women as it is for guys.

Because even if you do get "lucky" and meet someone.... if you don't have a purpose in your life, a mission that you actively pursue, you will just leach all of your validation out of your partner. So even if you liked each other a lot, eventually you'll end up poisoning the relationship simply because you're too dependent on them for your happiness and ego. It's really hard to be the only thing that matters to someone. It causes resentment.

But if you both already have rich and full lives, and bring one another into it, then you bring each other joy and success. You inspire and motivate one another. And you don't need one another to be happy. You're choosing to share your passion, enriching one another. You fuel them with more energy, rather than sucking it out of them.

Find what you love and do it. Become the best person you can be. And then, you can love someone from a position of strength and joy. And they will feel that. It will be genuine. And it will be amazing.