Losing Weight is.... Adjective!

It's hard to believe, but I've been counting calories for over 4 years. That's not to say I'm always within my budget every week. I put on some weight over the holidays. I wasn't too concerned. I wanted to be able to enjoy myself without feeling stressed or guilty.

This month I went on a stricter diet and lost that weight. I can't say exactly how much, but it was about a pound a week. You're probably curious about what I did. Everyone's always looking for diets and weight loss plans (hyperbole notwithstanding). Unfortunately, most folks look for easy diet plans, or ones that take little effort or change. I'll share what I did, though many will shrink in terror and go back to their milkshakes.

I cut out simple carbs. Sugar, number one. That's something I rarely eat anyway, although I had a bunch over the holidays. So I cut that out. Again. I also cut out bagels, bread, popcorn, pasta, etc. I allowed myself rice, quinoa, farro, and the like. To the astute reader, this means I cut out everything delicious.

I probably missed bagels the most. I was used to eating them every morning for breakfast. Instead I had eggs, usually with a side of avocado. Still tasty. The interesting thing I found was that I felt more full eating just eggs and avocado than if I had all that on a bagel (with cheese!). There's a bunch of science behind it. But the short story is that eating nutrient dense foods satiates you, and empty calories do not. There's also something that happens when you eat carbs and fat together that short circuits your brain.

Seriously... just eggs and avocado

Most writers would now delve into a bunch of science to explain it all. I'm pretty lazy. I read a bunch, remember the things that matter, and discard the rest. I know that potato chips, breakfast cereals, pizza, and so on are "bad". So I don't eat them. I think that's pretty common knowledge. If someone says, "you won't change my mind unless you scientifically prove it," I won't care.

I don't.

If you want to be fat, then be fat. My body fat is around 10%. I get plenty of compliments. So I must be doing something right, if only by accident. I exercise a lot too, but exercise doesn't make up for a bad diet. That's the painful fact. You only get healthy and get in shape through sacrifice and hard work. Eating is no different.

On the plus side, you do get used to the change. It's the same with training. It takes 2 or 3 weeks to get used to a new routine, but once you do, it becomes much easier. So I may actually stick with eating just eggs for breakfast. I do plan to add some carbs back in. Pasta for sure. And probably nutritious bread as well.

I don't have too much left to lose anyway

I appreciate the challenges of eating healthy. Many many people struggle with it, clearly. Over the holidays I struggled too. Though the reason was that once I said that sugar is "ok", I didn't have much holding me back. I suddenly had to resort to willpower. Willpower! Willpower sucks. It's worthless. It works for like two minutes and then you're drowning in donuts.

I have people tell me I should just moderate. That I can eat what I want as long as I moderate. These are people who have been skinny all their lives because they have this beautiful magical quality of moderation. I do not. I envy them. To me, moderation is a dirty word. I'm so bad at it that I don't even realistically look at it as an option. Because I will try it, fail, and feel guilty for failing. That's a whole lot of negativity for very little gain.

So I have to say that certain foods are "not ok". And then I just plain stop seeing them as things I can eat. When sugar goes on the "not ok" list, I stop being tempted by it. It goes on the same list of things I can't eat along with chairs, cats, and steering wheels.

"Yes... please don't eat me."

I realize this is weird. That not everybody works this way. Of course everybody knows that if they ate less sugar they'd be healthier. And eating no sugar is even better. But sugar is super delicious. And nothing bad happens right away. However, something good does happen right away. You feel great! You feel fantastic! Life is suddenly amazing!

The problem is that the bad parts of sugar don't happen until later. And the benefits of cutting sugar also happen later. And we as a species kind of suck at planning for later. We want to do stuff that makes us feel good now. So, I basically have to screw with my brain. I have to trick it into thinking that there's an immediate cost. I feel guilty. My calorie app goes crazy, which makes me unhappy. And so on. A similar strategy applies to training.

I think a lot of people feel guilty for eating unhealthy foods, or for not exercising. But they usually don't do anything about it. Guilt by itself isn't a solution, and it really ends up making everything worse in the long run. Many people who feel guilty about their eating... deal with that guilt by eating more. It's like a drug addiction... actually it's very much like a drug addiction.

Guilt is only useful if you do something immediately in response to it. In my case, I recognize what will make me feel guilty, and I avoid that thing. I don't want to feel guilty. So once sugar goes on the "not ok" list, I stop eating it, because doing so would make me feel guilty. F*ck guilt.

All this takes time. A lot of struggle. A lot of trial and error. A lot of the stuff I'm saying may seem crazy. It may not work for you. Everyone is different. Their bodies are different. Their minds are different. If you want to make lasting change, lasting improvement, you have to commit to it. Commitment sucks. I know; I was scared of it for a very long time.

Trial and error sucks... why can't I be awesome now?!

But, when you start seeing success, it becomes addicting. You want to see even more success! And once you see enough success, you find yourself on a new path. One of constant growth and increasing happiness.

The end!

What's Up With Change?

I've been counting my calories for over 4 years now, and I've been training consistently for almost that long. I've been able to keep my weight where I want it, and I've been able to train on average 6 days a week in that time. But that doesn't mean everything has been exactly the same that whole time.

The foods I eat have changed. The training I do has changed. My feelings and attitudes have changed. And the circumstances in my life have changed a lot, which of course effects my diet and exercise. You eat differently by yourself than when you're living with someone. The time you have available to exercise changes too.

My goals and priorities have changed as well.

None of that should be surprising. Everybody experiences change. Even people with very stable lives experience this. I've seen friends get injured. I've seen friends just plain burn out. I'm seen friends struggle with their diets. Even if your life stays the same, your heart and mind undoubtedly don't.

I just can't see myself going back to where I was before this journey. I put on a little weight during the holidays, and I'm on an even stricter diet this month to lose it (and have been successful so far). I also signed up for a second Ironman this summer. Part of the reason I did that is to keep myself accountable so I keep training.

Strict....

I've seen a lot of people quit though. That's pretty common. If health and fitness aren't a big enough priority for you, it will be hard to stay consistent. And you can be healthy without having 10% body fat or training every single day. There may come a day when it's not as big a priority for me either. I don't really have anyone left to impress. So these days my obsession is mostly from "momentum".

It's important to have something in life that gives you purpose. Some people have to stop training because of their family. Their family gives them purpose. Some do it because of work. That can provide a sense of purpose too. If I ever reduced my fitness level, I would have to do it for something that's even more important to me.

It may sound like I'm doubting myself, but that's not the case. The point is just that change happens and you have to accept that. Because sometimes it's difficult and sometimes it's scary. It's your choice how you deal with it. You can surrender and allow yourself to be pulled like a raft in an ocean, or you can take control and ride those waves. It comes down to your attitude and what you want out of life.

And that's the key. How hard are you willing to work for what you want? And are you able to adjust that goal without losing your perseverance? I used to just run 6 - sometimes 7 - days a week. Now I bicycle and swim too. That may not seem like a big difference but it is. Marathons just don't excite me the way they used to. And I've traded them in for races that take far longer to complete.

Don't worry, I still do crazy runs.

In some ways the training is easier. If I don't feel like running, I can bike or swim instead. In some ways it's harder. When I was training for marathons, my longest workouts were 3 hours or so. My longest workouts preparing for an Ironman are 5 or 6 hours. Even though I'm still six months out from Ironman Lake Placid, I had a 3 hours workout this past Saturday.

It's a change that I'm happy about though, and that's even more fulfilling. I don't believe I could ever go back to "just running". I do lament the loss in my running speed, that I never qualified for Boston (though I did get to run it, and my best race was less than 5 minutes off my BQ time). But my training now is more engaging, and I've got even more goals. Right now I'm really focused on improving my swimming.

I have no doubt that my training will change again in the future. In fact I hope it does. I don't know exactly how. But I know what's important to me in my life. Being happy, being healthy, feeling fulfilled and purposeful, and having people in my life to share love with. I hope in the future more of my fitness will involve other people. And I hope I can resist signing up for a third Ironman, because I kind of look forward to doing more of what I want, rather than what I feel like I "have" to. Plus the cost!

Well over a grand total just
so I can take an absurd selfie

Writing. I like writing. I'd like to do more of that. Believe it or not, one of the reasons I keep training is so that I can keep writing about it. Maybe I'll write about other things. I already kind of cheat on this blog, even though it's about pavement and crushing it. But change is great when it comes to writing! The more I experience, the more I can write about. Maybe I should change the name of the blog to something else.... "Crushing Everything"?

Fitness will always be a part of my life. I know that much. But how exactly that looks in the future.... I don't know. And that's exciting! I enjoy what I'm doing, but it's reassuring to know I have the power to adjust. That I can always seek growth and improvement, no matter where I am in life. I don't ever have to give up or stagnate. I just have to be willing to accept change.

Can Love Prevail Over Anger

Monday is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I haven't thought much about it before. To many, it's just a holiday (if you even get the day off). And that's really unfortunate. I know why I haven't thought about it much. It's because it's frightening to do so. It forces you to look inwards, to decide what kind of person you are.

There's a lot of anger in the world today, and hatred. A lot. Anger is easy. Anger is comfortable. And we're very good at justifying our anger to ourselves. King fought against that anger, with peace. He was inspired by Mahatma Gandhi, who too fought violence with peace. And both King and Gandhi paid the ultimate sacrifice to do what they felt was right.

So it's understandable why we don't want to think about it. Some of us don't agree with them, though we may not admit as much. Some of us don't understand the scope of what they were a part of. Most of us, I think, accept that they were brave men who tried to make positive change in the world. But if we accept that, but do nothing to continue their noble struggle, that too is hard. Does it make us cowards? Does it mean we're too afraid?

Martin Luther King Jr.
Public Domain Image

People are inherently selfish. That's not a recrimination. That's simply our biology. And self-sacrifice to such a huge extent is very difficult. I can understand turning a blind eye to what they did. Because I too tend to think in an all-or-nothing way. I think I either have to do everything, or do nothing. I either dive 100% into something, or not at all. But you and I don't need to dedicate our lives to the struggle of guaranteeing equal rights and respect to all individuals. At least, not by ourselves.

What King and Gandhi tried to do was start a movement, and in a large way they did. They wanted to encourage all men and women to think with love in their hearts. It wasn't a matter of right and wrong, but of mutual respect and appreciation. To be willing to set aside our anger and look upon one another with open minds and open hearts.

That is something each of us can choose to do, right now. We don't need to try to change others. We only need to change ourselves. And you have power over yourself. You control your thoughts and feelings. Often times we feel like victim of our emotions. We blame external forces. But those are excuses. Each of us can swallow our pride and allow our souls to be vulnerable.

That is not easy. I know because I struggle with it. I have made many mistakes, mistakes I'd like to ignore so that I don't live in guilt. But none of us are born perfect. It's OK to screw up, to hurt people, as long as you learn from it. Each of us has the capacity to become the best version of ourselves. I see that in the athletic community. People work hard every day to make themselves stronger. I know I do.

I tend to internalize anger, to direct it at myself. Which is why it saddens me to see others direct it outwards. But I don't think that I'm better. Because being angry at myself lessens my ability to be forgiving of others. You must forgive yourself first. You must have love inside of you to give love. Otherwise what you're putting out isn't love. It's just a desire to not be alone. Ultimately we all want validation and relevance. If our friends are loving, we are loving too. But if our friends are angry, then we too are angry.

Mahatma Gandhi
Public Domain Image

It's hard to go against the tide, especially with people you care deeply about. Even today there are people who feel hurt because of me. And even if I love them, the end result is that they're suffering because of me. Maybe it's because I did something wrong, maybe not. Often it's just misunderstanding, or unmet expectations. As is often the case, I internalize that too.

I have to stop doing that, stop blaming myself. I honestly don't feel I am the selfish person I used to be. I try very hard to be compassionate and understanding. I try to see both sides in an argument, to understand why everyone feels how they do. It's never cut and dry, never. It's too easy to say so-and-so is 100% wrong. To avoid our own culpability.

I admit that I suck at communication. I tend to withdraw when someone is upset. I just accept the guilt and blame, and swallow it down. That's not a good response. It makes them feel they're right, to ignore the fact that they've hurt me. And it makes it harder for me to be open and compassionate in the future. I feel like if I can absorb someone's pain, it'll take their pain away. But what it really does is amplify pain.

I don't have advice or a solution. I'm thinking out loud. It's the point of this blog. It forces me to think about things in a linear fashion, to come to some realizations. And I hope it helps others be thoughtful too. As you can see, I'm far from perfect. But I at least consider myself blessed to be introspective. I've learned a lot just from thinking.

I'm blessed in life. I know that. When looking at what King did, he fought for people who did not have all of the opportunities that I did. And if I don't take advantage of my good fortune to help others, then I am part of the problem. That doesn't mean I should sit and feel guilty. It means I should embrace the positivity in my life and spread it to others. I should be thankful, so that I behave from a place of joy.

Creating a better world for ourselves and our children is hard. It's a burden. But it's a burden none of us has to take on alone. And when love prevails, it spreads, and enriches each of us. But so too does anger work in this way. It is a force of nature. It may seem unstoppable.

It is not.

Each of us has a capacity for change. For personal engagement. For love.

Martin Luther King. Public Domain Image.

Note: I typically use my own images in my posts. Occasionally I use a friend's image, and I make sure to credit them. The images above are Public Domain images, taken either from Wikipedia or Google. As a writer and photographer, it's important to me to respect the work of others: Artists, writers, photographers, musicians, and so on. I feel this is important to mention in the context of this post. Very very often I see my friends on Facebook and elsewhere post images that they do not credit. This has always bothered me a great deal, though trying to fight the battle would only cause me to lose friends. But I can at least mention it here. It's one more thing we can do to show respect for others.

Destroy Everything

People don't like change. Often times they try to make small changes, incrementally. Often they want to change without actually changing. They want to lose weight without cutting out any of their favorite foods. They want to exercise without cutting something else to make the time. They want to find success without taking energy out of something else to make it happen.

It rarely works. All of my biggest and most lasting changes have come from destruction. I like change. It's scary. But I embrace things that scare me. Those are the things worth doing. Sometimes the new thing isn't perfect. So I have to destroy that too. And adjust once again.

Maybe if I can destroy this snow, it'll be replaced by warmth.

I think it's easier for me than for others. I didn't have much stability when I was young. I moved around a lot and changed schools a lot. I didn't even start school until 5th grade. Talk about destroying what I was accustomed to! I sucked with people. To learn to be better I had to destroy the old me, in a big way.

The new me was.... fun. But kind of an asshole. More destruction. More change. There was some gradual growth, sure. Learning. Experience. But it's like swimming. I was told very recently that swimming isn't something you really get better at just by doing it over and over. You have to do drills. They essentially make you to do something so different that it forces you to learn something you wouldn't if you just kept doing the same old thing. That makes sense.

It makes sense... but I still hate drills

I hated that. I just wanted to swim and be done. And yet, every time I had a big learning moment, it was the result of a drill or a big change that I forced. So, change is still scary. And I'm older. The older you are, the more ready you are to have the life that you've been striving for. That's the goal: To work work work, and find your groove. You don't necessarily stop working, but you want to get to a point that you know where you're at and where you're going.

Destruction happens, no matter where you are in life. And sometimes it can be a huge surprise. Either something that's imposed on you that's out of your control. Or something that you suddenly realize about yourself. "I'm unhappy", "this isn't working", "I have to do something different." And even if you're prepared (though you can never really be... can you?), it's still tumultuous. Nerve-wracking. Crazy.

I've learned another lesson recently..... that maybe there are things that don't need to be destroyed. I've always wanted love in my life, but for a long time I was all to willing to let it go. Fear. That's what it was. Change is scary. But sometimes not-change is scary too. When you let people into your life, they gain power over you. Power over your happiness and well-being.

Aack, this creature definitely has power over my well-being.

But that comes with the territory. If you truly care about someone, then you worry about them. What happens to them affects you. If they betray you, you get hurt. But it's not a reason to flee from those relationships. Because the alternative, loneliness, is worse by far. And then destruction becomes... nihilism. It gets comfortable in its own way. You get to attached to the emptiness. Because when you have nothing, that nothing can't hurt you.

So, embrace change, yes. But embrace stability too. Don't destroy for the sake of destroying. Destruction is a part of humanity. A big part. Just look at history. In many SciFi fictions, the aliens want to destroy us because we're so destructive (a bit of an irony but still...). It's in our genes, and for good reason. It's the best way to learn.

But we have big juicy brains. We can analyze. We can set aside the fear, and think rationally. What do I really need? What do I really want? Keep the things that are good. Destroy the things that are bad. Replace them with things that are good.

That's the goal anyway. I'm still working at it.

Nope, change is too scary. I'll stick to just eating.

2017 Retrospect

How do you reconcile your desire for happiness with the responsibilities in your life? Responsibilities to your self, and responsibilities to others. Work may not make you happy, but you have to go. You may spend time with friends and family when you're not in the mood. You will have work outs that don't feel good. Even days when your hobbies feel like chores.

I used to avoid responsibility, and pursue happiness pretty much exclusively. I thought that's what life was about: Just do what you want to do. Nevermind that on a grand scale, society can't function if every one did that. But on a personal scale, was I really happy?

No. There's a difference between momentary joy, and lasting happiness. In between partying with strangers, I was alone. In between nights of binge drinking, I anguished over my lack of fitness. I looked at those who had many responsibilities, and thought those people had full lives. Meaningful lives. Happy lives.

This cat has a VERY happy life.

The point is, happiness is a long-term goal. It's not always easy or obvious. Sometimes you realize that something you've been doing for a long time... doesn't bring you joy. Sometimes it's easier to just stick with the status quo, to stick with "good enough". The freedom to be happy is really a recent invention. It's not something that our ancestors had the luxury of chasing after. Though interestingly, they were often happier than we are today.

Having near infinite options today can paralyze us. Seeing the success of our friends online can make us feel like failures. Seeing photos of their grand adventures make us feel like we're missing out. Seeing smiling couples make us feel alone. Of course we don't see the stuff they don't post. And they're looking at the same stuff online and feeling just as sad themselves.

So misery is often just a fabrication of the mind. We feel powerless. But we are not. It's a choice.

This past year, I feel like I've acknowledged that choice. You didn't think I was ever getting to the point with that huge preamble, did you?

I looked at my 2016 Retrospect. That was a year when my happiness level fluctuated a lot. My training was often self-destructive in 2016. I had more responsibility this past year, with regards to people I love. And my responsibility promises to only go up from here! But I feel good about that. More importantly, I'm starting to pull back from my break-neck training regime. So 2017 was a year of long-haul changes.

Right this moment probably isn't the best time for me to talk about training. I've been sick for the past few days, and have done very little. So of course I feel like a huge pile of slack. But I compared my totals from this year with last, and felt better. Of course, then I compared my totals with those of my friends, and felt worse again. Whoops!

So less running, but my biking doubled, and my swimming more than tripled. I started out too hard with the lifting challenge this fall and hurt my lower back, so that took a hit. My totals are much less than those of my friends who also did Ironmans. The biking took a hit in the summer because of a leg injury, and it dropped a lot after the IM because I decided to do more running (but that didn't quite pan out). The swimming is getting better and better. More importantly I like it more.

It frustrates me sometimes, to worry about overtraining and hurting myself, but at the same time seeing how lousy my miles are. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but of course that's hard to actually put into practice. I suspect despite all my pretty words about finding life balance, I will continue to worry over and struggle with my volume. But I'm optimistic for 2018; I've learned a lot from my mistakes over the past 2+ years.

As I did with last year's retrospect, I'll put some highlights from this past year. By far the most amazing thing that's happened to me.... I can't post about. Not yet. And I'm missing some very important folks in the memories below. Just know that I love all of you.

2017 started out with a solo marathon at midnight!

Todd keeps trying to rope me into doing Lake Effect half marathon again. It was super fun last time I did it!

Boston Marathon was just an unparalleled experience. It's every runner's dream to run Boston, and I got to do it. I still can't believe it.

My first 70.3, Patriot, was awesome! I got to do it with my two favorite people in the world, Geoffrey and Meghan.

Musselman was a hilarious and epic adventure. Wow! What a weekend that was.

My big event of 2017, Ironman Mont Tremblant. Another one of those things I can't believe I did. It's like it happened to a different person. And I get to do it again at Lake Placid in 2018. Holy cow!

Wineglass is always amazing, and this year was no different. Pacing Carrie to her first sub-4 marathon made me realize what life is all about.

And of course there was a ton of silliness throughout the year.

I couldn't help it, here's a few more highlights.

This is generally how I feel!

Overall, it's been a pretty epic year. Although the most important thing has been the people. It's often weird to me how much love I have in my life. I'm still not used to it. It keeps on growing! And more than anything else, that brings me joy. I can only hope that I can return as much love as is given to me.

Growth and huge changes are afoot. But I'm excited for them. There will be some scary moments, no doubt. There will be struggles and suffering. But it's all leading to a very bright future. When I look forward to it, I feel warm all over. Thank-you for reading and have a happy new year!!

Holiday Lessons

I get ten days off work for the holidays (including the weekends). I tend to think of it as an opportunity to exercise a huge amount. In 2015, I ran 58 miles over the break (71 if I include the Friday before); I had one bike ride. In 2016 I ran 72 (or 86 including the Friday). I also biked and swam a lot, and probably lifted. That New Years I ran a solo marathon at midnight.

That volume of training destroyed me for the first few months of 2017. Utterly destroyed me. Which impacted my training for- and performance at -  Ironman Mont Tremblant.

This holiday break.... I'm lazying a lot (and eating a lot!). I've biked twice so far, swam once, and have run a total of about 10 miles. I still have 4 more days, but I doubt I'll get anywhere close to last year's numbers. And that's a good thing. I had considered making my new year's marathon an annual tradition, but this New Year the temperature would make even a polar bear freeze.

I signed up for the Beast of Burden 100 mile ultra in February, but wrote that I no longer plan on finishing that, but just going as far as I can without breaking myself. I'll still get in my long runs, but I'm not going to obsess over getting in 50 or 60 mile weekends.

Beast of Burden? How about a Beast of Cuteness!

Essentially, I want to train at a level my body is capable of. I no longer have my ego tied up in appearing bad@ss. I barely even post my workouts anymore. It's not worth showing off if it just leaves me constantly broken. And I have more positive things to look forward to than impressing a bunch of people I don't know online (sorry reader!).

I still love to train. That will always be a part of my life. And I'm at a point that I will train every day (or just about) without having to struggle with motivation. I bicycled for an hour and a half yesterday while watching Bright with my family. I swam a mile with Lois on Saturday morning while her kids antagonized their grandparents. I had a delightful and adventurous 10k through the snow with my friend Dan on Christmas. What day am I missing? Ah, I went to the gym Sunday with my brother and his girlfriend; I hit the treadmill and some free weights.

Those were all FUN. And they were still challenging workouts. I didn't go easy. I did intervals on the bike. I was racing Lois in the water. My arms were trashed after slamming some weights right after jumping off the treadmill.

I've written before that when you start a new thing, you sometimes push too hard before finding a happy medium. I'm getting to that point. I know what my body is capable of. More importantly, I don't have to kill myself to satisfy some image I have of myself. Life isn't a movie. After the hero blows away the villains in the Nakatomi building, he has to go back to real life. And if you watched the sequels, you'll know that being a hero didn't magically fix his marriage or make him happy.

I'm realizing that. The movies make self-sacrifice glamorous. The credits roll when the hero is still on his or her emotional high. It forever freezes that moment of glorious success. But that's not reality. Us regular people want to be happy, and we want to be lastingly happy. Breaking yourself.... that gives you poignant moments of feeling epic, with lots of exhaustion and depression in between. If you've followed my blog, you've probably seen my ups and downs.

Plenty of glamour without the self-breaking

It's not worth it. I'm ready to be the old guy in the rocking chair who occasionally drags himself to the starting line of a triathlon or trail run. I like writing, and drawing, and photography, and spending time with people I love. And I can't enjoy those things if I'm always exhausted.

That's hard to figure out. Happiness. It's such a vague thing. We all think we know what it means, but we don't. For a while I honestly thought that if I didn't have my training, I'd have nothing. I thought I was happy years ago, when I drank and partied and was a chubby pile of laughter. I was fooling myself back then. I still want piles of laughter, but I want it with people that I deeply love. That's the difference. Sharing your life with amazing people.

Loneliness sucks. I've battled it for a long time. A lot of it - most of it - was self imposed. I've lived with that image of the solitary hero for too long. That I had to do epic things in the night, showing that I don't need anyone, that I'm my own strength. Of course, I posted those things online, which just goes to show that they're bullsh*t. Ultimately, I was still seeking validation. And I was lying to myself about it.

That's the gift I've gotten this Christmas: The realization of what I want in life. And the willingness to go after it without my ego slamming on the breaks. My ego is still there, it's still the same ego that won't let me play monopoly without going into a frothing rage. But it's an old friend. I know how to pacify my ego, to throw it a treat every now and then so it goes back into its corner to happily chew on it. The rest of me, the rest of me will sit with my loved ones eating smoked trout and home made egg salad from local farm eggs.

Happy holidays everyone!

Always ending posts with the cheesy sunset photo....

Beauty and Torture

Well I didn't die.

Not yet.

I mentioned in my last post that I was going to run a 100k on Saturday at midnight (I never know... Is it Friday or Saturday? I should just say Saturday 12:01am). We, um, didn't make it that far. I ran with Chris and Jeff, who are two super awesome dudes. In case you don't know, it's really hard to find people who will volunteer to run an ultra with you at midnight in winter. So the three of us were pretty excited.

Excited that we were all insane.

The weather was actually OK. It was 20. That Friday morning it had been... 1 I think. 1 degree. So it "warmed up." It was snowing. At first I was like, great! Just enough snow to be super pretty. Turns out snow is still snow.

There was a lot of planning leading up to the run. A lot! Logistics of all sorts. We had a number of amazing friends who offered to come help: Lois, Carrie, Julie, and 1 other I believe. They cooked all sorts of yummy things for us. They offered to meet us at our two turn around points with whatever we needed. They offered to pace us. Carrie got a hotel room for the after party. It was to be a grand adventure!

A grand adventure indeed. That's the harbor hotel btw,
where we were supposed to have our epic after party.

I feel bad because all of that flew out the window. On the plus side, I ended up eating most of that delicious food anyway.

I met Chris at the Dandy Mini Mart near Horseheads at 11pm. He's an ultra expert. He had tons of food and water and two large separate bags: One for each end. I.... put two shirts and two pairs of socks into an empty grocery bag and put that into his truck. He dressed like he was venturing on a search for Santa's workshop. I dressed sufficiently... I thought. Chris had a camelbak. I had a water bottle. But it had a strap! So I didn't have to clench my lazy hand. Chris brought sandwiches and things. I had two tiny fruit and chia... things, that I thought looked good. Let me tell you now, they were zero sustenance and lasted 2 minutes.

Although I did bring a bunch of handwarmers I stole from Geoffrey. They were amazing. I grabbed enough to last like 200 hours. What did I wear? My New Balance Leadvilles, which are nice. Warm socks. Long underwear and wind pants which I had bought that day. A compression shirt, a t-shirt above that, and my super warm fuzzy hoody. Warm teal mittens I borrowed from Meghan, stuffed with handwarmers. A headband. A headlamp with dead batteries. Two watches. Didn't need the extra!

All bundled up!

We left Chris's truck and drove to Watkins Glen high school. We sat in my warm car and stared into the night. I didn't actually put on all the stuff I listed above until about 11:50. It required me to get out of my car. Yuck. Jeff showed up near midnight, all ready to go. He was super pro too. We exchanged words. I don't remember what. The types of things that soldiers say to each other right before they go into a battle that probably won't end well.

The ladies were going to meet us there at around 7am. The plan was for us to run 31 miles or so, surviving off our own supplies until our lovely Sherpas brought soup, snacks, and hugs. I thought, 31? I can do 31 at an easy pace. Nooooo problem.

I'm an idiot.

We first ran a mile to the Seneca Lake Harbor. My stomach has been hurting the past few days. I ate A LOT in the week leading up to the run - "carb loading" as the cool kids call it. And my stomach was a disaster. And the rest of me was... not great. But it was beautiful out. And once we actually started moving, most of the stress of anticipation melted away. And running around town... I could pretend that it was just a casual night run, and not a potentially fatal ultra.

We looked out over the water at the harbor for a minute, took some photos. Then we ran back. We paused at the cars again to pee into snowbanks, and so that I could replace the batteries in the headlamp. I only used the headlamp for about a mile before Jeff made an idle remark about how much better it was to run without. That part is true!

We paused again at Shequaga falls. They were frozen and awesome. Some part of me knew that once we hit the Catharine Valley trail all of these beautiful sights would be gone. But still, I basked in the divine night-time beauty. The snow left white trails as it crossed lamps. Everything was quiet. The three of us were animals in the night, rejoicing in our freedom.

I still wasn't feeling great as we ran, though my body settled into it somewhat. I didn't want to complain, and I was committed to the run. We didn't talk very much. Chris told us a couple of stories. I made a couple of random remarks about squirrels and bears. Soon we got onto the trail.

The only other times I've run on the trail were for the Catharine Valley half marathon. It's entirely different in the middle of the night in winter. The elevation was still the same though. It was a steady climb the entire way. And the snow that I thought was so beautiful was suddenly a pain. It wasn't deep, but it was enough for us to slide on every step. I didn't think about it at first, but running up hill in snow sucks up a lot of energy.

Chris's knee was sore because he'd slammed a large piece of furniture against it on Wednesday. He didn't make a big deal about it, but it was tight. Jeff had done a huge amount of traveling the days before, but he was in good spirits. He made fascinating comments about some of the historical landmarks around us. Mostly we ran silently, powering through the miles.

We walked a lot. We alternated. I wasn't sure which was better. When I ran, my stomach bounced and hurt more. When we walked, I got much colder. We were doing about 13 minute miles on average. It didn't feel slow though. And the reality is - in that weather, at night, up hill, with tired bodies - that's still hours you're spending on your feet.

I wish I could say that this part was peaceful and beautiful and liberating. It was just hard. Just plain hard. And I realized that I had been right in my last post: I'm not an ultra-runner. And in other recent posts I've written that I no longer have the desire to punish myself, nor do I feel the need to prove myself any longer. And I felt that. If I had to stop early, it would have no effect on my ego. Even at that point, I knew I wasn't going to run all 62+ miles.

We kept going. We hit parts I'd never been on, then parts Chris hadn't seen, then even parts that Jeff hadn't seen. Jeff told us about a feature of Strava, a sort of heat map that shows where you've run and how much. He was excited that he just added new colors to his map. That was pretty cool. I just checked, but it's part of Strava Premium. And I'm a cheapskate.

This stretch would've made the heat map warmer.

Then we hit the end. We stopped and looked at the map. Chris had been certain that the trail went all the way to the Dandy. But after looking at it again, he realized that the last couple of miles were along the highway. So we had to run along the road to get back to the truck. This part was actually the easiest for me. There was little snow on the pavement. When we finally saw the glowing sign, I felt elated. Nevermind that that was only 1/4 of our planned route.

We stopped. We ate and rested. I changed my shirt and socks for dry ones. They immediately got soaked again. I added a second pair of handwarmers to the mittens. I was shaking badly. I sat in the back of Chris's truck, shivering. He pulled out a chair (a chair!) to sit on so he could change his clothes; super pro, like I said. Jeff went inside the Dandy to warm up, because he's smart. I just kept snacking, and shivering, and drinking water, and shivering more. I was a ball in the seat. The hatch was open, the door was open, and the moonroof was open (for some reason).

We took a long time. A really long time. When it seemed like we were going to get moving again, I txted our Sherpas an updated ETA. I realized Lois was no longer going to be able to see us, because she had kid duties a little later that morning. Of course the ladies were actually all still sleeping, so they wouldn't see the message until later.

Chris told us he was going to drive us to where the trail ended, so we wouldn't have to run on the highway again. That was a relief! If only because it would make the return trip shorter, and I could sit in his warm truck some more. We parked again. We decided to sit and warm up more, to nap a little. It was clear none of us were super excited to get going again. But none of us wanted to be the one to throw in the towel.

We sat there for half an hour, semi-dozing. I sent another updated ETA, almost 2 hours later than what we had originally told our friends. Finally we stirred. We stepped outside. Instantly I felt frozen again. Chris had told us that if we needed to stop, that was totally OK. He asked me what I wanted to do. Like an idiot, I said, "well, I'd at least like to get an ultra out of this, 50k." I thought that maybe because the return trip was downhill it would be easier, and I'd warm up again when we got moving.

Finally, Jeff, the hero, the mayor of everything, the best guy in the universe said, "let's just bag it." Oh sweet Jesus I've never felt so happy in my life. Chris immediately took of his coat. I thanked Jeff for saving my life. We all climbed back into the truck and immediately sped off towards the highschool. I can't describe how jubilant I was.

It was 5am.

I sent an update to the group: Don't come. We're done. Carrie was awake already. She was surprised and concerned. But we were OK. We got back to the high school. We sat there for a little bit, trying to iron out our plans. Chris decided to nap in his truck before driving home; he'd crashed his truck last year after a solo night run and didn't want to chance it. Jeff headed home. I headed to Corning to eat potato and kale soup.

We covered 16.5 miles. My watch says it took 3 hours and 54 minutes. After a lot of napping and eating, I ran later that day with a group of superb ladies, so I got 21 for the day. I was toast.

Couldn't pass up a chance to run with these awesome ladies!
Photo Cr.: Tracy

I've looked on the Beast of Burden website to see if I can downgrade my 100 mile registration for a 50. It doesn't look like I can, so I suppose I'll just run as far as I'm able. I like running. I like running at night. It's beautiful. I like running with friends, love it in fact. But I like to go on runs and then be done. I realized that I don't have the mindset to just go and go and go. Some people do; those people are awesome. I don't.

I can handle pain. I can handle exhaustion. I can handle boredom. But at the same time, I don't need to. I have to compromise between pushing myself, but also actually enjoying what I do.

The Ironman is different. Was different. In fact, I only really felt awful on the run. That 6 hour marathon felt a lot like Saturday's ultra (except worse). The swim I enjoyed, and I enjoy swimming even more today. The bike was long, but it wasn't the same sort of grueling as running. So by the time I got to the run, I was too close to the end to surrender (though I really wanted to).

And that's another thing. Chris mentioned that after he ran Beast of Burden last year, he was trashed for a month. I realize I can't spare a month to rest right in the middle of my Ironman training. I just can't. And I trained with a broken body last year and that sucked, and didn't actually help prepare me at all. I don't know why I thought I could just whip through a 100-miler and jump back into triathlon training. I suppose it's because I thought it would be an "easy" pace. Like walking a 100 miles.

On Saturday I caved after 16.5 miles. I was frozen and broken. And I expect myself to traverse 6 times that length? Of course, I learned some valuable lessons on preparation, nutrition, and dressing appropriately. We all did. But that's not going to make up for an additional 83.5 miles.

A 100 miles it is not.

Those are all excuses. The reality is, it's just not for me. And I have to accept that. I used to hate myself for a realization like that, like I was giving up. Failing. That I wasn't strong enough. But I know now what happens is that I feel awful, force myself to do it, and then I'm ruined for months afterward. It's not worth it. It really totally isn't.

I'll still be on the Erie Canal towpath in February. I'll still run with Chris and Jeff. In fact, I look forward to it. But I won't force myself to go all the way to the end. If for some reason I feel like I'm able to, then great! But I don't have that expectation. I will do it for as long as it feels good and I don't think it's damaging my body. Maybe that'll be 50 miles. Maybe only 30. I don't know. But after I quit, I'll make sure to stick around and help my friends finish. And then celebrate their amazing achievement.

Because that's what it's about in the end: The people. I want to be there, sharing in our mutual passion. To help support them and bask in our awesome humanity. To be part of a driven and loving group who experience life to its fullest. That's amazing. And I want to be amazed.

Thank you for reading.